I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever amen.

In the morning Vincent had another doctor's appointment! Since he's below birth weight they want to keep checking his weight to make sure it gets back up there! Sad news. It was down 2oz! We should not have started to supplement less! Vincent didn't like it. We didn't like it. And it didn't work! So they told us to supplement 30-60mL each feeding and see how that goes. We had already started supplementing more before the appointment just because we could tell Vincent wanted/needed more and wasn't satisfied. So we thought this plan would work a lot better.

When we got back home Lara and her 6 month old son Austin came to visit. It was amazing seeing the difference between the two. It wasn't even the size difference. Austin was very aware of what was going on, very curious. You could tell when he was looking at you he was really looking at you. He was really curious about Vincent which was so cute! And he could sit up all on his own! Well, for the most part. lol

Right as Lara was leaving Pam drove up. Pam did quite a lengthy photo session with Vincent, but he would only open his eyes for one picture! We tried and tried to wake him up, but he had just eaten and there was no way he was waking up for anybody. Pam showed me some of her pictures though and it looked like she got some sweet ones with eyes closed!

Vincent is 6 days old today!

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Laura and Aleks made us breakfast in the morning. (Hashbrowns, bacon, and donuts! nice combo huh? Well the stomach wants what the stomach wants!) They had to leave today to go back to school so their visit was short, but Laura will be back for her spring break! Yay!

After they left Matt left me alone with Vincent for the first time! He went to Lowes to get a lock for our door. I know people know to stay out of our room while I'm breastfeeding, but I still feel so exposed. I also just feel exposed because I'm still in the healing stage post pregnancy and I feel like I just need some cocoon time. Some time to just be goopy mush but where no one will see me so I can re-emerge as a butterfly later.

While he was gone I cleaned around our room and Vincent slept. It was really anti-climactic. I also read one of my pregnancy books. I skipped over the c-section chapter when I was pregnant. That's how confident I was that I wasn't going to have to have a c-section. I just wanted to make sure my reason for having a c-section was in there and that it sounded really necessary. I also read the chapter on vaginal birth after c-section, (VBAC) and it made me feel a lot better, that maybe I won't have to get cut for each delivery. We'll see!  It's funny how I don't feel like I have the strength to do anything while Matt's here, but the second he leaves I find my strength.

In the evening we watched the Illini game. Although, I couldn't stay awake. Not much to stay awake for. They have definitely lost their mojo and a lot of their fans for this season.

Vincent is 5 days old today.

I wanna close my eyes. I wanna fall asleep, but I'd miss you babe. And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Vincent went to his first doctor's appointment in the morning. We got good news that he had gained weight! Unfortunately it was 4oz in one day and the doctor wanted us to supplement less! Instead of supplementing 30mL each feed she wanted us to supplement 30mL one feed then nothing the next! We tried that one time and after Vincent freaked out and would not sleep we split it up 15mL each time and it went much better.

Laura and Aleks came today from Florida. They got here around 2 and we hung out and talked and oohed and awed over Vincent of course. It was weird and hard not being in bed and visiting, but it was worth it. I'm really glad they came. In the evening Laura and Aleks made us dinner. (Panko chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole! YUM) I felt bad because we really didn't get to spend much time with them. Vincent had to feed about every 3 hours and each time it takes us about 40-50 minutes sooo that doesn't leave a lot of time.

Vincent had a rough night during the night. He wouldn't sleep from 3 til 7. That might not sound that bad to you. You might think Psh! 4 hours! But no. It's bad. Compile it with all the other hours of sleep you have missed. Add in that breastfeeding really takes it out of you. And don't forget that even when he does decide to sleep it's only 3 hours before you have to wake him up to do it again. Wake him up? Wake up a sleeping baby? Yup that's right. Since Vincent hasn't reached his birth weight again we have to wake him up every 3 hours even if he's sleeping peacefully. Makes it even harder because he wants to sleep. We want to sleep. But no. The clock is merciless and it feels like it's always time to feed.

Vincent is 4 days old today.

Take me home tonight...be my little baby.

We brought Vincent home from the hospital today. It felt weird to put on regular clothes and go out into the outside world. When you have a c-section it's the hospital's policy to have you stay an extra day, but I still didn't feel ready. We took a ton of stuff with us from the hospital. Most of it I'm sure was okay...They let us take the pillows, but not the cases, all the diapers, wipes, and other disposable things in the drawers under Vincent's bed. They said we could take parts of the breast pump, but we didn't because we don't have the super expensive pump they had. The stuff I'm not sure if they normally gave away was the mesh undies and super huge pads. They were in a duffle bag on the bathroom door and we took the whole bag and put it with our stuff. As we were about to leave I asked the nurse if it was okay if we took them and she said yes, but it seemed like a pity yes, and not an actual, "Yes, people normally take those." Oh well! I really couldn't imagine not having them. I'm still wearing them 9 days later. Still afraid to transition back to normal.

They even gave me a pain pill before I left which I was sooo glad they did that. Even with that pill buying us extra time Matt cut it close getting the prescription before I was supposed to take the next pill. When we were finally set to leave the hospital they insisted on wheeling me out in a wheelchair. My last old person moment. I was pretty confident I could have hobbled out myself, but I probably couldn't have carried anything, and they really didn't want me to.


 Think we should have gotten a bigger carseat? Ha.


When we got home Matt went to get my pain meds. While he was out he realized he also had to pick up Izzy from Petsmart. She had had her teeth cleaned which is a procedure that pets need to be sedated for. Never thought about that but can totally see how it's necessary. We also had them cut her nails while she was asleep since that task is next to impossible while she is awake, and she got some shots.

Then Matt went to get my prescription and he said they really put him thru the wringer. Apparently the drug I needed is popularly abused and sold illegally. I didn't think it was that special until I ran out and tried to call my doctor, then realized it was another doctor who prescribed it, then had no one call me back so ended up never getting it and eventually not needing it. DEFINITELY didn't appreciate THAT! I ended up having to cut the pills in half. Then started taking them every 8 hours instead of every 4. Then started substituting the maximum amount of Tylenol the bottle said I could have. NOT FUN. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This was Vincent's first night at home and he did great! We woke him up every 3 hours to feed him and he slept all the hours in between! What a champ!



Vincent is 3 days old today!

You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

We got to catch up on some sleep in the morning. Vincent had been sooo hungry the night before and was sooo tired today. So were we so it worked out great. ;) All three of us slept for at least an hour. Later in the morning Vincent got his picture taken by a professional who worked at the hospital.We were so excited and LOVED every picture. We bought a huge package and couldn't wait to see them again online, but when we did see them we HATED them. At least I did. I don't think Matt wanted to commit to saying he loved them or hated them anymore because he was afraid my mood would swing. I have to blame all the pain meds. There's no way I would have spent $200 on those pictures if I was in my right mind.

Andrew came at lunch to visit and meet Vincent. He came just as I was eating/trying to breastfeed/talking to my mom on the phone, and Matt was in the cafeteria AH! So that was stressful. Andrew took home a onesie for Izzy to smell so that she would have a heads up about the baby. We'll see how that goes!

In the evening Jessica Craig came to visit which was sweet. Just as she was walking thru the door the nurse on duty took Vincent to get a test done. I was NOT thrilled about that. Jessica stayed for a bit and talked to Matt and me but never got to see Vincent. When the nurse finally brought him back she said he DIDN'T EVEN GET THE TEST DONE! I was so mad! She also gave us the bad news that Vincent was a bit jaundice but didn't really explain what that would mean, like what we would have to do about that, and she said he had lost 10% of his birth weight and that we would have to supplement with formula. Now 10% sounds like a lot and she made it sound pretty dire, but when Vincent was born he weighed 7lb 13oz. In 24 hours he was 7lb 3oz and nobody was alarmed. Everybody said that was normal. But then 24 more hours later he was 7lb 0oz and this nurse was making it sound like he needed to be on life support. She really freaked us out with her delivery of the news and it was really unnecessary. So then she brought us a breast pump and told me how to use it and left the room. I was really weirded out by it and found it really uncomfortable, and she didn't say when to stop pumping. She didn't explain that it would turn off automatically. So I just sat there frustrated and in pain. What made matters worse was that nothing was coming out. I was also still reeling from her news that my baby was malnourished. I really didn't like that nurse. When she would come in after that I tried to not even look at her, but when her supervisor came around and asked about my stay I couldn't remember her name. Matt and I told the supervisor about the incident with Jessica coming and not getting to see the baby, but not the other issue of freaking us out. That was harder to explain without sounding whiny.

Vincent is 2 days old today!

Love will keep you up all night. It's not something you can decide.

The next time I had to go to the bathroom was around 7 or 8 in the morning. I think. I buzzed the nurses' station asking for help. I got one girl. Just one. I was nervous. And she was one that didn't do something I had wanted before. I just didn't think of her as very helpful, but she was enough to get the job done this time! I surprisingly felt much better than my last attempt last night and didn't feel like fainting at all.

Vincent got circumcised early in the morning and as much as I didn't want him to go thru pain, I knew it had to be done. I felt so bad for him, but he acted like a real champ. He slept for maybe 3 or 4 hours when he got back which is a long time for him, but he made up for lost time later in the day when all he wanted was to nurse, nurse, nurse! His hunger was insatiable. He would nurse for over an hour and still cry. Needless to say I felt like crying too. It was a rough night for Matt and I nursing round the clock, but somehow we made it thru.

Sometime before all the nursing craziness Sam came to visit and was Vincent's first visitor! Sorry I don't have a lot of details. I was really drugged up for the rest of my stay at Northside. I do remember I took my first shower since my c-section and had to do so sitting down. Yet another old person moment for me.

Vincent is 1 day old today!

All my life I've prayed for someone like you, and I thank God that I finally found you.

When I woke up in the morning I definitely did not feel like P. Diddy. I knew I should be really pumped and excited that Vincent was going to be born today, but I could not wake myself up. I was so tired from the Ambien and morphine. The doctor came in to tell me that my cervix was dilated 8cm!! I was so thrilled, but still sooo tired. She said they would give me 2 hours to dilate the other 2cm. I laid back to relax, but then they came back in and said that Vincent's heart rate was dropping with each big contraction. They started to talk about c-section and all I could think was...what happened to my 2 hours?? Then they came back in and said I had spiked a fever and they strongly recommended a c-section to be safe. Now I was really tired. Almost dead to the world. So what I heard was, "If we don't get this baby out now who knows if he will live." I still started bawling. I was definitely scared and definitely never saw my birth story happening like this. The nurses were all like, "It's okay, I've had 2 c-sections," "You'll be fine," "Blah, blah blah," but they were also saying it in a really rushed way and I was freaking out.


They wheeled me down a lot of halls and I just tried to come to grips with what was going to happen. They put me on a table and I was looking up at a bright light. They put a big blue sheet in front of my face and got to work. Matt stayed up by my face the whole time. I didn't feel any pain, just a lot of movement like they were rearranging my organs which they kind of were.Vincent was born at 11:19AM. When I heard my son cry it was the most beautiful cry I had ever heard. It wasn't shrill or demanding at all. It was just kind of helpless and sweet.

The worst thing about having a c-section besides getting cut was that I didn't get to see Vincent right away. They had to clean him up and do who knows what, but it felt like forever. Then when I did get to see him I didn't get to hold him, Matt just held him by my face and I got to look at him while on the operating table. Then they took him somewhere else to make sure he wasn't affected by my fever and they stitched me up and cleaned me up.

I sat in some area blocked off by a curtain all by myself for what felt like hours. Then Matt came down and waited with me for what felt like more hours. Then we finally went to our room, but Vincent wasn't there! Then some lady came in and was asking me tons of questions and wanting me to sign tons of papers, and I just started bawling again saying, "I want to see my baby now!" So we rushed thru the rest of whatever she wanted me to do and then finally they brought Vincent in the room. Now I was in a lot of pain and on a lot of drugs and I couldn't get out of bed, but I just kept looking over at my beautiful baby making sure he was still there and that he was okay.

I couldn't have solid foods for 12 hours after my c-section so I drank a ton of water, Gatorade, and apple juice. My dinner was broth, jello, and more juice, woo. But I actually wasn't that hungry. And I had a catheter in so for the first time in months I didn't have to pee. I could just drink and drink and drink and never had to make any trips to the bathroom. Sounds gross, but it was awesome. When they finally came to take my catheter out I had to get out of bed to do it. I was majorly apprehensive, but they assured me I could do it. In great pain I scooted on to my side and hoisted myself up with help from the nurse. Walking was terrible and I had to hunch over in pain and fear that I would rip open my stitches. I felt like an old person so many times while I was recovering in the hospital. Not only was I hunched over, I had to use my IV pole to stabilize myself like a cane. When I finally got to the bathroom I didn't think I could sit down. The nurse helped ease me down, but as soon as I was sitting I felt lightheaded. I told her and she told me to just sit there til I felt it pass. It didn't pass. They tried to stand me up to get me back to bed. All of a sudden I couldn't hear anything except a high ringing sound. Then I couldn't see anything except a fuzzy blur. I woke up to someone saying, "She's falling, she's falling." and I was falling into someone. They had me smell ammonia 3 times to try to wake me up. Suddenly four nurses were helping me back into bed. They tried to tell me that happened because I wasn't drinking enough fluids although I was just sure that couldn't be true. I had had so much fun drinking all those fluids. They tried to get me to drink some Gatorade, and I took a few sips but acted like I was too tired to drink any more because I knew the next time I had to pee I would have to get up out of bed again, and I was scared.